150 Shuffled Thoughts

1. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work
2. Used-car dealer to prospective customer: “Now, this little beauty has very low mileage. The previous owner only drove it back and forth to the repair shop!”
3. Getting fired is nature’s way of telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.
4. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
5. I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
6. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
7. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.
8. I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it’s too little to go by itself.
9. Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high…
10. Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
11. You are without romance or mirth… You must be an engineer.
12. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
13. Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
14. Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
15. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a huge friggin’ bag of money.
16. In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.
17. If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother!
18. I used to be stupid but I’ve turned that situation around 360 degrees.
19. Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths.
20. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
21. If I gave a shit, you’d be the first person I’d give it to!
22. SSDM: Same Shit; Different Millennium!
23. Welcome to shit creek – sorry, we’re out of paddles!
24. In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
25. I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says “Draw Bridge Ahead” and I don’t have a pencil.
26. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
27. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
28. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
29. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
30. I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

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