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Stock Market News Today
In case you missed it, in the stock market today: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were […]
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Johnny Outsmarts His Friends
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, […]
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Cheap Manhattan Parking
A blonde walks into a Manhattan bank and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her new Rolls […]
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Investment Terms
EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor. EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering. CEO: chief embezzlement officer. CFO: corporate fraud officer. NAV: normal Andersen valuation. FRS: fantasy reporting standards. P/E: parole entitlement. EPS: eventual prison sentence. BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET: A […]
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Neighborly Loan
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there […]
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Beware Of IRS Genie
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out […]