two margaritas on table

33 Excuses Drinkers Use To Fuel Their Habit

If you spot your spouse, friend, co-worker, acquaintance doing some of the following things on this checklist, then chances are he is an alcoholic.

(The following applies to the ladies also: just replace the he with a she.)

  1. He said he won’t drink anymore. Well, not anymore than he does already.
  2. He said he has a severe drinking problem: only one mouth, but two hands.
  3. He’s not one to do things in halves: he does them in fifths.
  4. When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded the company makes him take the freight elevator.
  5. He’s been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he’s ever been under.
  6. He said he drinks to forget, but has forgotten what he’s drinking to forget.
  7. When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
  8. Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he drinks on the couch now.
  9. He’s the nicest person on two feet, if he could only stay on them.
  10. In bars all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteady customers.
  11. If it weren’t for pretzels, he’d be entirely on a liquid diet.
  12. He frequents so many bars that his suits aren’t dry cleaned. They are distilled.
  13. If there’s a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
  14. He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist, that is, a good specimen of a bar fly.
  15. On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his cake.
  16. When the boss asks him to work overtime, he demands time and a fifth.
  17. He has been warned that alcohol is slow poison. He says he doesn’t mind. He’s in no hurry.
  18. He is a very publicly spirited person, since he drinks his spirits in public.
  19. The only time he drinks is when he is either with somebody else or he is alone.
  20. He only drinks on the days ending in “Y.”
  21. It takes only one drink to make him drunk. He’s not sure if it is his ninth or tenth.
  22. No wonder his nickname is “Truck.” He always has a load on.
  23. He believes in a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.
  24. At parties, they never let him play Spin-The-Bottle since he will never let go of it.
  25. Sometimes he is held up going home, because that is the only way he will get there.
  26. Once, in a hospital, he asked for water. Everyone thought he was delirious.
  27. He deducts his liquor bills as a medical expense because he drinks to everyone’s health.
  28. He’s been getting so high that soon he will have to drink with a net under him.
  29. He was recently a judge in a beauty contest. The competition wasn’t very stiff, but he was.
  30. He’s been on a drinking mans diet. Now he is a thin lush.
  31. He hates the sight of liquor. That’s why he drinks so much: to get it out of his sight quickly.
  32. It’s called for a tremendous amount of willpower on his part, but he’s finally succeeded in giving up trying to give up drinking.
  33. He get all his drinks delivered direct from the brewery.

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