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One-Liners

25 one-line jokes by comedians

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal I just […]

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Quotes

Woody Allen Quotes

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to […]

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Funny Kid’s Quotes

Stories with funny kids quotes POLICE OFFICER IN SCHOOL While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if […]

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Funny Epitaphs

Epitaphs for the most part have a loving and serious message. Some gravestones though have funny epitaphs as a parting thought. The following is a list of some gems. ~ MERV GRIFFIN ~ I will not be right back After this message July 6, 1925 – August 12, 2007 I made a lot of deals […]

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USA Signs

Totally insane signs These signs are too funny to be real. In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: “Now serving live lobsters” On the menu of a restaurant: “Blackened bluefish” In a Maine restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.” In a New Jersey restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.” On the […]

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Celebrities Quotes

Don’t confuse brains with beauty: Celebrities Quotes “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” Mariah Carey Question: “If you could live forever, would you […]