George Carlin Quotes

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?