- Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.
- To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- The older you get, the better you realize you are.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
- Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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