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Classic quotes by George Carlin

George CarlinGeorge Carlin Quotes

  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
  • To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  • Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
  • Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  • If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?