Henny Youngman

23 one-line jokes by Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse’s jockey was hitting the horse.
The horse turns around and says “Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!”

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman
“Can I park here?”
“No” says the cop.
“What about all these other cars?”
“They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?”
He said “Yes”, and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”

The hotel I’m in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60.
The drunk says “Huh. I lost 100 pounds!”

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”
She said, “We can’t do that!”
I told her, “You did it last week!”

I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference.
I’m still confused.
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor says “You’ll live to be 60!”
“I AM 60!”
“See, what did I tell you?”

“Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.”
“Don’t answer!”

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army.
The first time he saluted, he killed himself.