101 Easy Ways To Say No

I would love to, but…

1. I have to floss my cat
2. I’ve dedicated my life to linguine
3. I want to spend more time with my blender
4. The President said he might drop in
5. The man on television told me to say tuned
6. I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant
7. It’s my parakeet’s bowling night
8. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People
9. I’m building a pig from a kit
10. I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it
11. I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy
12. There’s a disturbance in the Force
13. I’m in training to be a household pest
14. I’m getting my overalls overhauled
15. My patent is pending
16. I’m attending the opening of my garage door
17. I’m sandblasting my oven
18. I’m worried about my vertical hold
19. I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling
20. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted
21. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel
22. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products
23. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal
24. I’m planning to go down town to try on gloves
25. My crayons all melted together
26. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes
27. I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture
28. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise
29. I’m being deported
30. The grunion are running
31. I’ll be looking for a parking space
32. My Angry Birds Fan Club meets then
33. The monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots
34. I’m taking punk totem pole carving
35. I have to fluff my shower cap
36. I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian
37. I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other
38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist
39. My plot to take over the world is thickening
40. I have to fulfil my potential
41. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone
42. It’s too close to the playoffs
43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary
44. My subconscious says no
45. I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store
46. I left my body in my other clothes
47. The last time I went, I never came back
48. I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting
49. I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters
50. None of my socks match
51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda
52. I’m having all my plants neutered
53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War
54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out
55. I’m making a video called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
56. I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer
57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky
58. I’m touring China with a wok band
59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night
60. I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it
62. I’m running off with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism
63. I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down
64. I’m too old/young for that stuff
65. I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair
66. I have too much guilt
67. There are important world issues that need worrying about
68. I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship
69. I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others
70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps
71. I feel a song coming on
72. I’m trying to be less popular
73. My bathroom tiles need grouting
74. I have to bleach my hare
75. I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner
76. I’m writing a love letter to Justin Bieber
77. You know how we psychos are
78. My favorite commercial is on TV
79. I have to study for a blood test
80. I’m going to be old someday
81. I’ve been traded to Cincinnati
82. I’m observing National Apathy Week
83. I have to rotate my crops
84. My uncle escaped again
85. I’m up to my elbows in waxy build-up
86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar
87. I’m having my baby shoes bronzed
88. I have to go to court for kitty littering
89. I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush
90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner
91. Having fun gives me prickly heat
92. I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me
93. I have to jog my memory
94. My palm reader advised against it
95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then
96. I have to stay home and see if I snore
97. I prefer to remain an enigma
98. I think you want the OTHER [your name]
99. I have to sit up with a sick aunt
100. I’m trying to cut down on whatever you want done
101. … well, maybe