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I Have Learned

couple sitting in sunset

Cheer up, I have learned that
Tomorrow could be worse

I have learned
That you cannot make someone love you: all you can do is stalk them until they panic and give in.

I’ve learned
That no matter how much I care, some people are just idiots.

I’ve learned
That you shouldn’t compare yourself to others: they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned
That it’s taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I’ve learned
You should always leave loved ones with loving words: you may need to borrow money.

I’ve learned
That you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned
That a good time can be sitting on the beach and drinking with a bum.

I’ve learned
That heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I’ve learned
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned
That just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of them when they’re passed out and naked in your bed.

I’ve learned
That maturity is a magazine for old people.

I’ve learned
That your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, the asshole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.

I’ve learned
That no matter how good a chick is, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I’ve learned
That airport personnel don’t like you joking about bombs in your luggage: no matter how many times you state that you’re only joking.

I’ve learned
That overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I have learned
To say “Screw them if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.