MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
PHYSICISTS hunt elephants by treating the elephant as an unstable W-Z
particle and spend a fortune developing a Particle Accelerator large enough
to detect one when a hippo and Rhino collide.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by using algorithms:
- 1. Go to Africa.
- 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
- 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, crossing the continent
alternately east and west.
- 4. During each crossing,
- a. Catch each animal seen.
- b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
- c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify the algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute the algorithm on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 % of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N number of times and then call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an
entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see an elephant, that hasn’t been hunted before, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALESPEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
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