Guide to life over 50

elderly couple over 50 years oldFunny things start happening at 50 years of age.

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find young, sexy, women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: Where do 50+ year old people look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year old persons when they enter antique stores?
A: “I remember these!”

50 is the new…
What was I saying?

My doctor said that now I’ve turned 50 I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise.

I said, “Okay, I’ll drive with the car window open from now on.”

Q: What does “doing it three times a night” mean when you’re over 50?
A: How many times you get up to pee.

Turning 50 means that you spend more time trimming your nose hair than you do trimming your head hair.

After turning 50, you start to realize that your parents were right about nearly everything.

You’re not 50…

You’re just 49.95, plus tax.

You know you’re over 50 when your body has more wrinkles than an elephant’s.

Turning 50 makes you that age where your back goes out more than you do.

Q: Why do you turn bisexual after 50?
A: You get screwed by both Mother Nature and Father Time.

At 50 you get the urge, but can’t remember what for.

You know you’re 50 when you start taking half of a Viagra so you don’t pee on your shoes.

At 50 you no longer have hot flashes.

You have power surges.

50 isn’t the end of the world…

But you can see it from there.

After turning 50, everything that doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

You know you’re 50 when you look in a full-length mirror and you can see your butt from the front.

One advantage of being over 50 is that your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can’t remember them either.

Don’t be depressed about turning 50 – you’re still young enough to do the things you really want to. So go ahead and put your adult kids up for adoption.

You know you’re 50 when your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart’s parking lot on the first try.

Turning 50 means that punching a time clock is probably the most exercise you get all day.

Now that you’ve turned 50, you can stop calling them “laugh lines.” Nothing is that funny.

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty.

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

You know you’ve turned 50 when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

When you’re over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17…

That’s if you don’t mind making a complete idiot of yourself.

At fifty you’ve accumulated the knowledge and wisdom of half a century.

This would be a tremendous asset if only darned senility hadn’t wiped your memory bank.

You know you’re 50 when getting high means it’s time to take your blood pressure medication.

You turn 50 and your head finally gets itself together. Unfortunately, your body has other ideas.

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