Never raise your hands to your kids: it leaves your groin unprotected.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round’s a shape…
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught in dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing is when a bank robbery has just taken place.
Bless me with patience. Not opportunities to be patient, because I’ve had plenty of those and they haven’t worked. Now the actual patience…
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
I admit my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I’m comfortable with that.
Humor results when society says you can’t scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public.