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Post-Nuptial Contract

angry couple

10-Point Post-Nuptial Contract

Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving party (wife) have been involved in a long-standing dispute, and whereas the husband is tired of arguing over the same stuff all the time, and whereas if the wife would listen to him, she would realize he is correct.

Therefore the parties agree on this post-nuptial contract, which the other party is expected to sign, to prevent the need for any further discussion.

Clause One
Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange the furniture in the living room, and whereas the husband’s back is still sore from last weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for about half an hour, the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first place, it is now understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct arrangement. There is no need ever to move it again.

Clause Two
It seems like the husband bought the Christmas decorations to adorn the tree and now the wife wants to them remove them! The wife needs to make up her mind. If the house looks pretty with lights on it, then why not leave them up for awhile? The same is true for Halloween decorations, and no, the husband does not think it looks silly to have the scarecrow out there next to Santa Claus. He believes the combination looks festive.

Clause Three
The wife shouldn’t tell the husband that she is fat and then get all upset when he suggests ways for her to lose weight. The husband is trying to help, for heaven’s sake! And for the record, the husband did NOT say you were fat! YOU said you were fat. All he did was fail to disagree forcefully enough!

Clause Four
Whereas the wife already has like thirty-two thousand pairs of shoes, the husband believes that’s enough. Also the wife should stop buying clothes for which she doesn’t have appropriate shoes.

Clause Five
The wife is allowed one “favorite part” of each movie, and that’s it. She can’t keep saying “This is my favorite part” in the same movie, and asking him what his favorite part is, because the answer is “none.” He rather watch Die Hard again!

Clause Six
Speaking of movies, for every movie with subtitles that the wife wants to see, the husband is allowed one movie in which there are car chases. And any time a man and a woman on the screen stare at each other without speaking for more than a minute because they’re in love, but can’t bear to talk about it for some reason, the husband is allowed to leave the room.

Clause Seven
Whereas, the wife has made abundant and repeated reference to the supposed “proper” position of the toilet seat lid, and whereas there is no such stated position in the owner’s manual, and whereas the family dog needs to be able to get water, for crying out loud, the debate about the toilet seat lid is now over and the subject need never be mentioned again, ever.

Clause Eight
The thermostat is not a toy. The wife has lost her thermostat privileges. From now on, the thermostat will be turned up only on days when the husband is cold.

Clause Nine
The wife may not cut her hair and then wait for the husband to notice it, and get mad when he doesn’t notice her hair was cut short. And THEN said wife gets angry when he doesn’t like her new “look!” Doesn’t it make sense that if he notices you got your hair cut, most likely he will be not pleased with it?

Clause Ten
It is entirely inappropriate to wake someone up to tell him he is snoring. What’s he supposed to do about it when he’s AWAKE? And there’s no concrete evidence that he snores. He believes the wife faked that tape recording of the snoring. If the wife believes the husband snores, the proper action is to ensure he is entirely comfortable, and then maybe he will stop. the offensive action. Instead of digging an elbow into his ribs, try fluffing up the pillow.

Since the wife is locked in the bedroom and refuses to sign this contract, it is deemed automatically in effect.

What’s for dinner?