| 40-ish | 49 |
| Adventurer | Slept with all your friends |
| Athletic | No tits |
| Average Looking | Has a face like a basset hound |
| Beautiful | Pathological liar |
| Contagious Smile | Does a lot of Ecstasy |
| Educated | Banged her Political Science professor |
| Emotionally Secure | Medicated |
| Feminist | Fat ballbuster |
| Free spirit | Junkie |
| Friendship first | Trying to live down reputation as a slut |
| Fun | Annoying |
| Gentle | Comatose |
| Good Listener | Borderline Autistic |
| New-Age | All body hair, all the time |
| Old-fashioned | Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs |
| Open-minded | Desperate |
| Outgoing | Loud and Embarrassing |
| Passionate | Sloppy drunk |
| Poet | Depressive Schizophrenic |
| Professional | Certified Bitch |
| Redhead | Bad dye-job |
| Reubenesque | Grossly Fat |
| Romantic | Looks better by candle light |
| Social | Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray |
| Voluptuous | Very Fat |
| Weight prop w/ height | Hugely Fat |
| Wants Soulmate | Stalker |
| Widow | Drove first husband to shoot himself |
| Young at heart | Old bat |
