60 Funny Lawyer One-Liners

These 60 funny one-liners about lawyers may have been written by sore losers in a court case. Now it’s time for the venting to become public with 60 one-liners that are funny, even if snarky.

Lawyer Characteristics and Comparisons

• Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
  A: Lipstick.
• Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
  A: Your Honor.
• Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
  A: Senator.
• Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
  A: Accountants know they’re boring.
• Q: What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
  A: A jury.
• Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
  A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
• Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
  A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
• Q: What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
  A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
• Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
  A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
• Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
  A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Lawyer Behavior and Reputation

• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
  A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
  A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
  A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
• Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
  A: Their lips are moving.
• Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
  A: New Jersey got to pick first.
• Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
  A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
• Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
  A: A good start!
• Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
  A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
• Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
  A: Professional courtesy.
• Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
  A: In the cemetery.

Lawyer Stereotypes and Exaggerations

• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
  A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
  A: The bucket.
• Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
  A: From chasing parked ambulances.
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
  A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
  A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
• Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
  A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.
• Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
  A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer Roles and Humorous Situations

• Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
  A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
• Q: How does an attorney sleep?
  A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
• Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
  A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
• Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
• Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
  A: They’re both extinct.
• Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
  A: Skeet.
• Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
  A: Senator.
• Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
  A: His partners.
• Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
  A: Taller
• Q: What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
  A: A Doberman.

Lawyer Humor in Legal Scenes

• Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
  A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
• Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
  A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
• Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
  A: When a busload of lawyers