McDonalds Employment Application

A fictional job application submitted to McDonald’s

Charlie Crapworthy

Desired position
Reclining. HA, but seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.


Last position held
Target for middle management hostility.

Less than I’m worth.

Most notable achievement
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving
It sucked.

Hours available to work

Preferred hours
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Do you have any special skills?
But they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

May we contact your current employer?
If I had one, would I be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?
Of what?

Do you have a car?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

Have you received any special awards or recognition?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Do you smoke?
Only when set on fire.

What would you like to be doing in five years?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super-model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to best of your knowledge?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

Sign here
Scorpio with Libra rising.

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