These 60 funny one-liners about lawyers may have been written by sore losers in a court case. Now it’s time for the venting to become public with 60 one-liners that are funny, even if snarky.
Lawyer Characteristics and Comparisons
- Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick. - Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor. - Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator. - Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they’re boring. - Q: What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A: A jury. - Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on. - Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside. - Q: What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight. - Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer. - Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Lawyer Behavior and Reputation
- Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. - Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood. - Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. - Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving. - Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first. - Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them. - Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start! - Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. - Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy. - Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Lawyer Stereotypes and Exaggerations
- Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect. - Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket. - Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances. - Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. - Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. - Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they’re really good people. - Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyer Roles and Humorous Situations
- Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside. - Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. - Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories. - Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. - Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They’re both extinct. - Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet. - Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator. - Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners. - Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller - Q: What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Lawyer Humor in Legal Scenes
- Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree. - Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna. - Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers