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Jokes

Jokes only married men can understand

Advice for newly married men from the experts.


My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last.

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go on our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”


We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.


She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”

“No, jump in!” said the truck driver.


A husband said to his wife, “Your mother has been living with us for 20 years now. Isn’t it time she got herself her own apartment?”

“My mother?” said the shocked wife, “I thought she was your mother.”


A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.

One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, “Tell me the truth, dear. Is third child really mine?”

“Yes, dear,” replied the wife, “but the other two are not.”


One day a father called his six children together and asked, “Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?”

In one voice they all replied, “You, Daddy!”


This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She replies, “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it?”

He says, “Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading when she smacks him again.

“What was that for?” he asks.

“Your horse just called.”