Investment Terms
- EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
- EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
- CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
- CFO: corporate fraud officer.
- NAV: normal Andersen valuation.
- FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
- P/E: parole entitlement.
- EPS: eventual prison sentence.
- BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
- MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
- VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
- P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER: What my broker has made me.
- “BUY, BUY”: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
- STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
- MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $50 per share.
- WINDOWS 10: What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo at $50 per share.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
- PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God
