How Conservatives and Liberals Began

American liberals conservatives

Before the liberal and conservative movements existed humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.

Before political parties existed

People lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

  1. The invention of beer.
  2. The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented for man to get his beer.

Liberals and conservatives origins

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

  1. Liberals
  2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

man asleep on couch
Modern Liberal Male

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Liberal movement

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include

  • The domestication of cats
  • The invention of group therapy
  • Group hugs
  • The concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Modern Liberals like

  • Imported beer (with lime added)
  • Most prefer white wine or imported bottled water
  • Eat raw fish but like their beef well done
  • Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservative movement

  • Drink domestic beer
  • Eat red meat and still provide for their women
  • Are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines
  • Generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.

They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before thinking about it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to piss them off.

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