Ditch boring voicemail greetings

Here’s 14 funny ones to make the caller smile.

If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we may be home or not so leave a message.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished if you leave your name and number.

Please hang up and text me.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here, so leave a message.

Hi, I’m not available right now but my voicemail is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi! John’s voicemail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her voicemail recording just eloped with her cell phone, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a cell phone. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not a cell phone recording, but a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi, I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, you’ll know it’s you.

Hi, this is Chris. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the beep you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Leave a message at your own risk. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. However, you have the right to remain silent.