Categories
Lists

How to dump a jerk: the quick and easy way

This form goes out to any woman who wants to dump a jerk, who hasn’t gotten her message to go away and leave her alone.

Dear (whatever the name of the jerk is)-

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those excuses that apply for the jerk)

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___ You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___ You have a hairy back.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not something that I am seeking in a long term partner.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler’s Tour as “must see TV” demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
(your name)