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28 Amusing Affirmations For Everyday Living

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome, as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute: I’ll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are the fault of someone else.

In some cultures, I would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those self-righteous people around me.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step: blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

Now maybe you will feel better about bringing these inner hidden daily affirmations out into the open because everyone else lives by them also.

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