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38 resume blunders by job candidates

“I am a rabid typist.”
(And a maniac with numbers, no doubt.)

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
(If she insists …)

“Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.”
(In the front office of a kennel, right?)

“I don’t usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so.”
(Does she take requests?)

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
(Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?)

“I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.”
(But how fast is he on his own two feet?)

“Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.”
(Did she minor in ear piercing?)

“Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date.”
(Okay — next!)

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
(Doesn’t sound like the kind of experience most employers are looking for.)

“I am relatively intelligent, obedient and as loyal as a puppy.”
(And no doubt housebroken by now.)

“Education: College, August 1902 – May 2002.”
(Must have been a tough curriculum.)

“Cover Letter: Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
(Hey, let’s not get personal.)

“Experience with: LBM-compatible computers.”
(Step aside, Big Blue.)

“Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.”
(Now that’s planning ahead.)

“Typing Speed: 756 wpm.”
(Another argument for decaffeinated coffee in the workplace.)

“Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.”
(Good luck!)

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.”
(Glad to hear it.)

“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)

“Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.”
(It’s Gumby!)

“My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.”
(Ouch!)

“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1905-2005.”
(It’s refreshing to see this kind of stability.)

“Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
(But can he do payroll with one hand tied behind his back?)

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy and expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)

“Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company.”
(When you own the mortgage company, do you receive a better rate?)

“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
(No problem …)

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
(At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.)

“The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”
(The “teaser” approach to interviewing.)

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.”
(Thanks for the clarification.)

“Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house.”
(At last, an alternative to nuclear power!)

“Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351, Standing Ovations: 5, Number of Audience Questions: 30.”
(But can he recite the questions?)

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
(Thanks for the warning.)

“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”
(Now that’s dedication.)

“Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.”
(You may be barking up the wrong tree.)

“My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’ — and I like your company in particular.”
(That’s confidence.)

“Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.”
(Did she forget something?)

“If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.”
(No problem.)

“20-Apr-2006 Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.”
(Maybe he should try building it with wood.)

“I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.”
(Time for new brake pads?)