1 – Eating out
If Gloria, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Rob and Jack go out for a brew, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Peanut-Head and Useless.
2 – Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will post a poem online titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life.
A man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Debbie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup — at 3 am early on a Sunday morning — he will call and say “I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total ho. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.”
This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.
3 – Paying the bill at a cafe/bar
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
4 – Foreplay
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
5 – The Bathroom
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
6 – Watching the 3 Stooges
Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited – they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eyes, groan and wait it out.
7 – Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the “ceremony.”
Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
8 – Photography
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $10,000 for state- of-the-art equipment, buy all the accessories, and take thousands of pictures.
Women use their iPhones and often produce better-looking shots.
9 – Politics
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
10 – Food Shopping
A woman makes a list of items she needs, then goes out and buys them.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies.
11 – Clothes at work
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a expensive outfit, then slip on sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
12 – Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
13 – Getting dressed to go out
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
14 – Doing the laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
15 – Kids in the family
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
16 – Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
17 – Preparing to go out
When a woman says she’s ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…
When a man says he’s ready to go out, it means he’s ready to go out.
18 – Leg warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”
19 – Mirrors
Women will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters…
Men will check themselves out in a mirror.
20 – Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
21 – Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
22- Talking on the telephone
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will telephone the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Men see the telephone as a communications tool.
23 – Low blows in fights
Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters gets hit by a low blow.
The woman says, “Oh, gee, that must hurt.”
The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
24 – Admitting mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.
25 – Sexiest man alive
Women like Chris Hemsworth because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Chris Hemsworth because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.
26 – Locker room talk
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They’re graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
27 – Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
28 – Gym socks
Men wear sensible socks: white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
29 – Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.
30 – House plants
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.