“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress,” from a quote attributed to John Adams in the play 1776.

A lawyer is a man who helps you get what’s coming to him.

A lawyer is someone who prevents somebody else from getting your money.

I’ve got a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and in less than a minute tell you whether it’s oral or written.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was in favor of the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately tweeted his client, reading “Justice has triumphed!” The client tweeted back, “Appeal at once!”

Q. What happens when you cross a Mafia don with a lawyer?
A. You have someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand!

Q: Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?
A: When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer’s funeral. “Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ’em.”

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey had first choice.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?” It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?