Woody Allen Quotes

Woody Allen
photo credit
Luiz Fernando Reis
  • Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
  • Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  • Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
  • Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
  • He was so depressed he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
  • I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately it’s the government.
  • I don’t believe in the after life although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  • I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
  • I don’t respond well to mellow you know what I mean – if I get too mellow I ripen and then rot.
  • I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
  • I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
  • I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
  • I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
  • I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
  • I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
  • I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
  • I was raised in the Jewish tradition taught never to marry a Gentile woman shave on a Saturday night and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
  • I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
  • I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
  • If my films don’t show a profit, then I know I’m something right.
  • If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  • If you’re not failing every now and again it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
  • I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
  • I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  • I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather on his deathbed he sold me his watch.
  • In California they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
  • In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
  • Interestingly according to modern astronomers space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
  • Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
  • It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
  • It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
  • I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
  • Life doesn’t imitate art it imitates bad television.
  • Love is the answer but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
  • Man consists of two parts his mind and his body only the body has more fun.
  • Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons.
  • Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
  • My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night or instance I was mugged by a Quaker.
  • My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
  • Nietzsche says that we will live the same life over and over again. God – I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
  • Not only is there no God but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
  • Of all the wonders of nature a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats.
  • Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
  • Remember if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
  • Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
  • Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
  • Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
  • Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes sometimes you take the meal seriously.
  • Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
  • Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.
  • She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
  • Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
  • Some guy hit my fender and I told him “Be fruitful and multiply,” but not in those words.
  • Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
  • The baby is fine the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
  • The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland not unlike certain parts of New Jersey.
  • The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  • There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
  • Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
  • Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  • To you I’m an atheist; to God I’m the Loyal Opposition.
  • What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
  • When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
  • When we played softball I’d steal second base feel guilty and go back.
  • Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
  • Why are our days numbered and not say lettered?
  • Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

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