626 Life Truisms

626 Truisms to guide you through life’s journey.

100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when it is dry and asks for it back when it starts raining.

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A committee: when all is said and done, 90% is said, and 10% is done.

A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday, but never remembers her age.

A dirty book is seldom dusty.

A formal briefing is like an avalanche: a high-level snow-job of massive and overwhelming proportions.

A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.

A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.

A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don’t want.

A man’s mother is his misfortune, his wife is his fault.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

A person’s character is only half formed till after marriage.

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good, because he’s afraid he’ll feel worse when he feels better.

A piece of wire cut to length will be too short.

A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue, so he can get around it.

A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.

A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all.

A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

A Scottish gift: “It’s nae use to me, ye’re welcome to it.”

A stitch in time saves embarrassment.

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it’s written on.

A woman is like a piano.  If she’s not upright, she’s grand.

A yawn is a silent shout.

Absolute zero is cool.

Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

All human acts involve more luck than decision.

All sunshine makes the desert.

All this beer drinking will be the urination of me.

All’s well that ends.

Always look for the calculations that go with a calculated risk.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Amnesia rules, and…

Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed ‘Abominably Slow Man.’

An adult is one who has ceased to grow vertically but not horizontally.

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his doctor does.

An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of all the trouble they got us into in the first place.

An elephant is only a mouse built to council specifications.

An Englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea governed by Scotsmen.

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field.

An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground.

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog : you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

Anarchy, no rules, OK?

And in the end the love you get Is equal to the love you make.

Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.

Any fool can criticize, and many of them do.

Any given program will expand to fit all available memory.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Apathy: never mind, it doesn’t matter.

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS I AM INNOCENT – But He won’t be there at the committal proceedings.

As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.

As long as you can still be disappointed, you are still young.

Australian Rules Football may best be described as a game devised for padded cells, played in the open air.

Awkward Age: the period lasting from birth until death.

Babies speak in many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.

Be security conscious.  80% of people are caused by accidents.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

Before honor there is humility.

Before the current government came to power, we were on the edge of an economic
precipice. Since then we’ve taken a great step forward.

Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Behind every argument is someone’s ignorance.

Bereft: missing the last plane to Japan.

Beware the man who slaps you on the back, he is probably trying to make you cough up something.

Beware of half-truths – you may have the wrong half.

Birds : creatures that pick up worms.

Birth, Copulation, and Death. That’s all the facts when you get to the truth.

Bo Peep did it for the insurance.

Boys will be boisterous.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Brevity is not the soul of politicians.

Briefcase: a trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.

Bring back the Sixties.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

Bureaucracy rules: OK – OK – OK

Buy old masters. They’ll get a better price than old mistresses.

Castles in the air cost a great deal to keep up.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore and that’s what parents were created for.

Classical music is the kind that you keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Come home, Oedipus, all is forgiven. Mom. – Over my dead body. Dad.

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

Computers have made it possible to make a million mistakes every second.

Consensus rules – if that’s OK with you.

Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhea waits for no man.

Contemplating suicide?  Drink French polish. – Horrible death, beautiful finish.

“Contrariwise”, continued Tweedledee, “If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”

Dab yourself with honey and you’ll be covered with flies.

Dead people are cool.

Death is hereditary.

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

Democracy is the least satisfactory form of government, except for all the others.

Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.

Democracy rules: 40% YES, 45% NO, 15% Don’t know.

Descartes thought he was here.

Dieting is when the days seem longer and the meals shorter.

Dignity is like a hat. Neither is much use when you’re standing on it.

Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.

Do you have trouble making up your mind?   Well, yes and no.

Donald Duck isn’t all he’s quacked up to be.

You can tell the pioneers by the arrows in their backs.

Don’t believe in superstition – it brings bad luck.

Don’t confuse me with the facts – my mind is made up.

Don’t ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.

Don’t mark the spot where you bury the hatchet.

Don’t vote.  You’ll only encourage them.

Down with gravity.

Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

Dyslexia lures, KO

Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach.

Each generation has its sages.  Ancient Greece had Socrates. We have bumper stickers.

Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

Ejukashun never dun me no good.

Eskimos: God’s frozen people.

Eunuchs unite – you have nothing to lose.

Even bargains cost money.

Everybody thinks himself well-bred.

Everyone makes mistakes.  The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Everyone wants a bus service to their door, but no one wants a bus service in their street.

Everything west of Alice Springs will eventually plunge into the Indian Ocean.

Examine what is said, not him who speaks.

Existentialism has no future.

Experience: a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

Feudalism : it’s your count that votes.

Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.

Fight for the right to pretend to work.

Fish and visitors smell in three days.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Foot: a politician’s pacifier.

For successful propaganda you need a flock of sheep.

Fortress: a female fort.

Fortune is like the market, where many times, if you can stay a little, the price will fall.

Free the Heinz 57.

Friends may come and friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

General notions are generally wrong.

Genius is born, not paid.

Genius is patience.

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.

Geography is everywhere.

Getting anything done around here reminds me of elephants mating  – it’s done at a very high level – there’s lots of trumpeting about it – it takes two years to see any results.

Give sadists a fair crack of the whip.

God bless atheism.

God is dead.  Nietzsche. NIETZSCHE IS DEAD.  GOD.

God may be dead but 50,000 social workers have taken his place.

Good-nature and good sense are usually companions.

Guarantee: a legal vehicle which expires on the same day as your mechanical one.

Halitosis is better than no breath at all.

“Hamlet” is just a bunch of quotations strung together.

Happiness is not what you experience but what you remember.

Hari-kiri takes some guts.

He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.

He made no friend who never made a foe.

He says he dies dying from fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whiskey.

He that rushes to be rich shall not be innocent.

He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

He who hesitates is bossed.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

He who throws dirt loses ground.

He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.

Heisenberg might have been here.

Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.

Home is where, if you have no place to go, they gotta take you in.

Home is where the television is.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.

Hope: enjoyment of the future in advance.

How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?

How come there’s only one anti-trust commission?

How will I know if I’m enlightened?

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

Google isn’t the competition: it’s the environment.

I am not aware that any community has the right to force another to be civilized.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am, therefore I think.  Is this putting Descartes before the horse?

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I couldn’t care less about apathy.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time either.

I don’t make jokes: I just watch the government and report the facts.

I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.

I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.

I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

I never met a carbohydrate I didn’t like.

I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I

I think sex is better than logic but I can’t prove it.

I think, therefore I am.  I think.

I think, therefore I’m not in Congress.

I used to be conceited but now I’m absolutely perfect.

I used to use cliches all the time but now I avoid them like the plague.

I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn’t have prices on the menu – just
little faces with varying expressions of horror.

I wish I were what I was when I wished I were what I am now.

I wouldn’t be paranoid if people didn’t pick on me.

I’d be a pessimist, but it wouldn’t work anyway.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If a job’s worth doing, the Japanese have probably already done it.

If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.

If at first you don’t succeed, have you considered becoming a personnel officer?

If at first you don’t succeed, so much for sky-diving.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again – then give up, no sense in being a damn fool about it.

If all the year were playing holidays. – To sport would be as tedious as to work. – Shakespeare, Henry IV

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don’t know what is going on.

If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

If people looked like their passport photos, very few nations would let them in.

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants outside his trousers?

If the first person who answers the phone can’t answer your question, it’s a bureaucracy.

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we’d be so simple we couldn’t.

If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.

If there were no clouds, we wouldn’t enjoy the sun.

If they give you lined paper, write across ’em.

If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.

If whales are so damned clever why do they keep swimming near Japan?

If you can’t baffle them with brains, befuddle them with talk.

If you drop a jam sandwich onto the floor, the probability of it landing jammy side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the floor covering.

If you explain something so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

If you give a woman an inch she’ll park a car in it.

If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don’t understand the problem.

If you keep your mouth shut you’ll never put your foot in it.

If you laid all the economists in the world end to end they’d never reach a conclusion.

If you like sausage or law, never watch either being made.

If you never lie, you don’t have to remember anything.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

If you think your wife’s jewellery is an investment, try selling a few pieces.

If you want to walk the streets safely at night, carry a projector and the slides from your last holiday.

If you wish to please people, you must begin by understanding them.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be upside down.

If you’re not confused, you’re misinformed.

If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.

In any organization, everyone rises to the level of his own incompetence.

In defeat he was indomitable, in victory insufferable.

In good software, the simple things should be easy, and the complicated things should be possible.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need one.

In six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them: and he was self-employed.

In the beginning was the word. And the word was “Aardvark”.

In the long run we are all dead.

Increased profits mean more work for everyone.

Inflation rates testify to the worldwide popularity of wishful thinking.

Irish cocktail : a pint of Guiness with a potato in it.

Irish seven-course dinner : a boiled potato and a six-pack.

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

It is difficult to win an argument when your opponent is not worried knowing the facts.

It is impossible to make things foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

It is now proved beyond all doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art.

It is through the cracks in our brains that ecstasy creeps in.

It is true that liberty is precious – so precious it must be rationed.

It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog’s legs are edible.

It’s a lie.  I was never here. – Kilroy

It takes two to make a marriage: a girl and her mother.

It was as colorful as a black hole…

It was as dark as the inside of a politician.

It’s better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

It’s difficult to explain to a mouse that black cats are lucky.

James Bond rules OOK.

Jargon rules, ongoing agreement situation.

Jesus Saves – but Maradona scores on the rebound.

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Join the Hernia Society.  It needs your support.

Journalists are born.  Why, nobody knows.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not all out to get you.

Just think – maybe the Jones are trying to keep up with you.

Keep death off the roads.  Drive on the pavement.

Keep things as they are.  Vote for the Sado-Masochist Party.

Killing the dog will not cure the bite.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you snore alone.

Law may not change the heart; it can restrain the heartless.

Laziness is no good unless it is well carried out.

Legalize telepathy. – I knew you were going to say that.

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.

Letter to a friend from a man in a reducing clinic: “Help! Send me a file with a cake in it.”

Life can be tragic – here today, here tomorrow.

Life is a hereditary disease.

Life is just a bowl of toenails.

Life is just one damned thing after another.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

Little Red Riding Hood is a Russian contraceptive.

Little strokes fell great oaks.

Little white lies are for golfers.

Living in Melbourne is about as interesting as watching a plank warp.

Living in the lap of luxury isn’t bad, except you never know when luxury is going to stand up.

Living in the past has one thing in its favour – it’s cheap.

Laws of Medicine:
(1) If what you’re doing is working, keep doing it.
(2) If what you’re doing is not working, stop doing it.
(3) If you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything.
(4) Above all, never let a surgeon get hold of your patient.

Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.

Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret.

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

Love is a many-gendered thing.

Love thy neighbor, but be sure her husband is away.

Macho does not prove mucho.

Make your congressman work – don’t re-elect him.

Man is planned obsolescence.

Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.

Manuel rules, Oh – Que?

Many a good man has caught his death of cold getting up in the middle of the night to go home.

Many men fancy that what they experience they also understand. – Goethe.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol.  Dignity is not one of them.

Mediocrity is excellence to the mediocre.

Middle age is when wherever you go you take a jumper.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Modern man has lost the option of silence.

Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows ’em up.

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.

Mr. Spock uses vulcanised rubbers.

Mrs. Murphy’s Law: If it can go wrong it will, while HE’S out of town.

Murphy’s best friend was a computer.

My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I’m dead.  – Anon.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours.

My Uncle Fred died of asbestosis – it took six minths to cremate the poor bugger.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. – ALBERT EINSTEIN

Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists charge the rent.

Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never hit a man when he’s down. You may find he’s bigger than you when he gets up.

Never let your studies interfere with your education.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Nihilism means nothing to me.

No family should ever attempt a car trip if the children outnumber the windows.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No man goes before his time.  Unless, of course, the boss leaves early.

No man would listen to you talk if he didn’t know it was his turn next.

No one gets into trouble without his own help.

No two persons ever read the same book.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious.

Not enough is being done for the apathetic.

Northern Ireland has a problem for every solution.

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Nothing is so firmly believed as that of which we know least.

Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples habits.

Nothing you put in a banana split is as fattening as a spoon.

Nymphomaniac : a girl who trips you up and is under you before you hit the floor.

Objectivity is in the eyes of the beholder.

OK, so I’m cured of schizophrenia, but where am I now when I need me?

Old doctors never die.  They just lose their patients.

Old fishermen never die.  They just smell that way.

Old genealogists never die.  They just lose their census.

Old informers never die.  They’re just put out to grass.

Old lawyers never die.  They just lose their appeal.

Old plumbers never die.  They just go down the drain.

Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties.

Old teachers never die.  They just lose their class.

One-legged girls are a pushover.

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you’re always making exciting discoveries.

One of the times when silence annoys is when the car engine won’t start.

One of these days is none of these days.

One thing men can’t understand about women is how well women understand men.

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.

Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat.

Only the young die good.

Our characters are the result of our conduct. – Aristotle

Our customer’s paper work is profit.  Our own paper work is loss.

Owing to lack of interest tomorrow has been cancelled.

Paradox: a truth standing on its head to attract attention.

Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be kept by understanding. – Albert Einstein

Pedants rule, Ok – or, more accurately, exhibit certain of the trappings of traditional leadership.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Perforation is a rip-off.

Persuasion rules OK – just this once?

Pigeonholing is interesting only for pigeons.

Please don’t throw your cigarette butts on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in the year.

Power corrupts – absolute power is even more fun.

Predestination was doomed to failure from the start.

Prepare to meet thy God.  ( Evening dress optional )

Procrastinate now!

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Procrastination will rule one day, O.K. ?

Progress is like a wheelbarrow – if you don’t keep pushing it stops.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Pseudo-intellectual: one who knows what “pseudo” means.

Psychologists say people with hobbies are not likely to go crazy – but this doesn’t apply to the people they live with.

Psychology: getting habits out of a rat.

Quasimodo – that name rings a bell.

Queen Elizabeth rules UK.

Racial prejudice: a pigment of the imagination.

Real Programmers are always surprised when their car odometer doesn’t turn immediately from 47777 to 50000.

Reality is for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Recursion is like a bureaucracy: a bureaucrat does one small part of the job, and then passes it on to an exact copy of himself…

Recursion: see Recursion.

Remember that opportunity is a dare – not a door.

Relief map: a set of directions showing how to get to the nearest outhouse.

Religion is man’s attempt to communicate with the weather.

Remorse is the period between one hangover and another.

Research is an organised method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

Reunite Gondwanaland!

Richard the Lion-Heart is alive and well and asking Christian Barnard for his money back.

Roget’s Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.

Rooner spules, OK.

Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.

Rush hour: that hour when the traffic is almost at a standstill.

Safecracker – one without tuna on it.

Safeguard your health.  Don’t sleep with any damp women.

Save energy – be apathetic.

Save trees – eat a beaver.

Say it with flowers.  Give her a triffid.

Sceptics, may or may not rule, O.K.

Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK.

Scientists have reduced the number of calamities we can blame on God.

Self-made men can be glaring examples of unskilled labour.

Sign on Antique Shop : Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away.

Silence is better than unmeaning words.

Silence is not always golden; sometimes it is yellow.

Smart people speak from experience. Smarter people, from experience, don’t speak.

Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.

Snow White thought 7-up was a soft drink until she discovered Smirnoff.

Solicitor : A lady barrister without her briefs.

Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I’ll be at the airport.

Some days the only good things on TV are the vase and clock.

Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.

Some men’s heads are as easily blown away as their hats.

Some people are like blisters: they never appear until the work is done.

Sometimes the message has to be blunt so you will see the point.

Spanish punks rule, ole!

Specimen: an Italian astronaut.

Stamp out quicksand.

Standing on your dignity is a very insecure footing.

Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.

Sterility is hereditary.

STOP PRESS : Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive.  First World War a mistake.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

Streakers beware – your end is in sight.

Success has ruined many a good man.

Sudden prayers make God jump.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

Support your local taxidermist.  Get stuffed.

Suppose they gave a war and nobody came?

Sycophancy rules – if it’s OK by you.

Synonyms govern, all right.

Television: a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Tell the truth, and so puzzle and confound your adversaries.

Thank God I’m an atheist.

The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse.

The amateur is the one with all the answers.

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.

The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens.

The Basic Law of Budgets:  You can only spend it once.

The best-laid plans of mice and men are in the files SOMEWHERE.

The best things in life are duty free.

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don’t know how to run a computer it really dates you.

The camel is a horse designed by a committee.

The cops are ALWAYS around when you DON’T want them.

The day will happen whether or not you get up.

The days of good English has went.

The decision is maybe and that’s final.

The difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman is that the used car salesman knows when he’s telling lies.

The easiest way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to deliver it.

The end of the world is nigh! Repent, and return those library books immediately!

The ends justify the jeans.

The evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ – and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

The existence of a market does not guarantee the existence of a customer.

The fundamental solvency of a company is inversely proportional to the opulency of its head office.

The fundamental problem of representative government is that the people who would be best for the job least want it, and vice versa.

The golden age never was the present age.

The Golden Rule:  He who has the gold, makes the rules.

The government claims it’s following the will of the people. I didn’t even know we’d died!

The grass is always greener on the other fellow’s grave.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The hangman let us down.

The jest loses its point when he who makes it is the first to laugh.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

The kids who don’t believe in Santa Claus are the ones who grow up and play the horses.

The Liberal Party is the cream of society: thick and rich and full of clots.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

The long weekend was created because it’s impossible to cram all the bad weather into two days.

The longest day soon comes to an end.

The postman bringeth and the garbo taketh away.

The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.

The man who lives in the past, robs the present.

The money saved for a rainy day now buys a smaller umbrella.

The most difficult thing is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

The most gratifying feature about death is that you won’t have to get up in the morning.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they think it’s their fault. – Henry Kissinger

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

The only good government is a bad one in a hell of a fright.

The only job where you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only people who never fail are those who never try.

The only thing I ever learned from experience was that I’d just made another mistake.

The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own handwriting.

The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you’re finished.

The only way to make something completely foolproof is to keep it away from fools.

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank – the really big chunks always rise to the top.

The other queue always moves faster.

The price of justice is eternal publicity.

The problem with government is it scratches where there ain’t no itch.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

The right to be left alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.

The rising tide lifts all the boats.

The secret of being a bore is to tell everybody.

The shortest distance between two points depends on who is giving the directions.

The shortest distance between two points is under repair.

The shortest perceivable length of time is the period between the light turning green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the oil. Sometimes it gets replaced.

The statesman shears the sheep, the politician skins them.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and the lesson afterwards.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

The upper crust are just a bunch of crumbs sticking together.

The urgent always crowds out the important.

The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.

The writing on the wall usually means there’s at least one small child in the family.

They can conquer who believe they can.

They think I’m paranoid. They all talk about it behind my back.

There are more horses’ arses in this world than there are horses.

There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

There are three sorts of people:
those who make things happen,
those who watch things happen,
and those who never knew what hit them.

There are two classes of people:
those who divide people into two classes,
and those who don’t.

There is a theory which states that if anyone ever gets to understand the universe and  how it works it will immediately be replaced by something even more bizarre and  mysterious. – There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

There is always one more bug.

There is just one thing I can promise you about the space program; your taxes will go further. – Werner von Braun

There never was a good war or a bad peace.

There’s one thing about baldness: it’s neat.

These pills can’t be habit-forming; I’ve been taking them for years.

They say garbage can be made into fuel. Why not? It’s already being made into movies, books and TV shows.

Those who aspire to a place in the sun must expect blisters.

Those who can, do.  Those who can’t, teach.

Those who think money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

To be rich is not the end, but only a change of worries.

To be wise and love Exceeds Man’s might – Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida

To do anything worthwhile you have to push limits.

To do nothing is the way to be nothing.

To err is human.  To forgive is not library policy.

To err is human.  To really foul things up requires a computer.

To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To get a loan from a bank you have to first prove that you don’t need one.

To know where you can find a thing is the chief part of learning.

Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Town planners do it with their eyes shut.

Two people in every one who works for the ABC is schizophrenic.

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

Utopia: 1987 wages, 1932 prices, 1910 taxes.

Vampires are a pain in the neck.

VD is nothing to clap about.

Vote Anarchist.

Waterbeds are cuuting down the incidence of adultery – ever tried to crawl under one?

WATERSHIP DOWN – You’ve read the book, you’ve seen the film; Now, eat the pie!

What after all is a halo?  It’s only one more thing to keep clean.

We all are born mad.  Some remain so…..

We are cold to others only when we are dull in ourselves.

We can’t do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

We live behind our faces, while they front for us.

We must believe in luck, for how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?

We should take sex off the TV and movie screens and put it back in the back seats of cars
where it belongs.

We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so. – Pope

Wear the old coat and buy the new book.

What is a weed?  A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.

What is moral is what you feel good after.

What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?.

What some people need is a kick in their can’t.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility -there are so few of us left.

What this country needs is someone who knows what this country needs.

What’s apathy?  I don’t know, and I don’t care.

When all else fails, read the documentation.

When did a lawyer ever file a brief that was?

When I did well, I heard it never. When I did ill, I heard it ever.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Where there’s a swill there’s a sway.

Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.

Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?

Why does a dentist ask you if it hurts only when you can’t answer?

Why is it that political leaders don’t seem to have all the answers until they write their memoirs?

Why is the King of Hearts the only one without a moustache?

Why should we do anything for Posterity? What’s the bugger ever done for us?

William Tell, Jr. had headaches.

Willpower is the ability to eat ONE salted peanut.

Wine does not intoxicate men; men intoxicate themselves.

Wisdom is not knowing what to do now, but what to do next.

Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognise it.

Women who seek equality with men lack ambition.

Women’s libbers should be put behind bras.

Work expands to fit the time available for its completion.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show.

Xerox invents it, Apple commercialises it, and I.B.M. makes money out of it.

Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster!

Yesterday I couldn’t spell “computer programmer”.  Now I are one.

Yorick is a numb skull.

You are never alone with a clone.

You are only what you are when no one is looking.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you have something.

You can be sure you’re getting old when you forget the name you wanted to drop.

You can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You can’t buy happiness – but at least if you have money you can be miserable in comfort.

You can’t tell a book by its movie.

You can’t think rationally on an empty stomach, and a whole lot of people can’t do it on a full one either.

You know your son is growing up when he looks at a girl the way he used to look at chocolate cake.