The five most common unanswerable questions feared by men:
- What are you thinking about?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat?
- Do you think she is prettier than me?
- What would you do if I died?
What makes these unanswerable questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, we analyze each question along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
- How fat you are
- How much prettier she is than you
- How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”
Question # 2 Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
- Oh Yeah, shit loads.
- Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
- That depends on what you mean by love.
- Does it matter?
- Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
- Compared to what?
- I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
- A little extra weight looks good on you.
- I’ve seen fatter.
- Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
- Yes, but you have a better personality.
- Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
- Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
- Define pretty. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: — silence —
MAN: Oh crap!