Girlfriends By The Numbers
Which type of girlfriend do you have?
- Ms. Nice Guy
“Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages:Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
- Old Yeller
“You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
- Sickly
“Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.
- The Bosser
“Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
- Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
“I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
- Wild Woman out of Control
“I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
- Huffy
“I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No fun, humorless pig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
- Woman from Mars
“I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud. - Ms. Dreamgirl
“I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now.”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.