Ms. Nice Guy
“Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have!” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat. Advantages:Cheerful, agreeable, kindly. Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller
“You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??” Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell. Advantages: Pays attention to you. Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly
“Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.” Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy. Advantages: Predictable. Disadvantages: Contagious.
The Bosser
“Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.” Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom. Advantages: Often right. Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
“I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?” Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey. Advantages: Easily soothed. Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control
“I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.” Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out. Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy
“I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.” Also known as: No fun, humorless pig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly. Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars
“I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.” Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic. Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable. Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl
“I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now.” Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous. Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited. Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.