Girlfriends By The Numbers

Which type of girlfriend do you have?

1. Ms. Nice Guy
   “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have!”
   Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat.
   Advantages:Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
   Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
    
2. Old Yeller
   “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
   Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
   Advantages: Pays attention to you.
   Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
    
3. Sickly
   “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
   Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
   Advantages: Predictable.
   Disadvantages: Contagious.
    
4. The Bosser
   “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
   Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
   Advantages: Often right.
   Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
    
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
   “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
   Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
   Advantages: Easily soothed.
   Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
    
6. Wild Woman out of Control
   “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
   Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
   Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
   Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
    
7. Huffy
   “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
   Also known as: No fun, humorless pig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
   Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
   Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
    
8. Woman from Mars
   “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
   Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
   Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
   Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud. 
9. Ms. Dreamgirl
   “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now.”
   Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
   Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
   Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.