Categories
One-Liners

Rodney Dangerfield Classics

Once when I was a kid, I got lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”
He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

Rodney Dangerfield SweatingI went to see my doctor, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?”
He said…”I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect”

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.”
I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I caught up with the guy and asked “Hey, why are you jogging naked?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I felt depressed, so I phoned the Samaritans and afterwards I felt a lot better.
Soon after, three of the Samaritans committed suicide.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father,
“I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but he still pulled through.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tried out a new ‘speak your weight’ machine the other day.
It said, “One at a time, please”

Steak and sex, my favorite pair.
I have them the same way, very rare.

I went to my local train station, to catch a train. I asked the ticket seller for a return ticket. He asked “Where to?”
So I told him, “Back to here.”

I told the bartender to surprise me, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said, “Who said you could fool around with my wife?”
He said, “Everyone.”

I got in a cab and said to take me where the action is.
He took me to my house.

I think I found a reject packet of M&M’s.
Mine had W’s, E’s and 3’s in it!

I bought a used car the other day. I had no idea just how used it was.
One of my wife’s dresses was in the back seat.

My daughter is such a tramp her year book picture is horizontal.

I bought my wife a parrot that can talk. Now when I come home from work, I hear it say,
“Quick! Out the window!”

We were so poor growing up that my parents could not afford a pumpkin at Halloween.
They made ME stand in the window!

My kids…they’re nothing like me.
They take after their father.

My wife told me that she wants to make love in the back seat.
She wants me to drive.

I was told that, depending on how you made love, depended what sex the child would be – Man on top, for a boy, woman on top for a girl.
Well, looks like I’m going to have a puppy….

My wife likes to talk during sex.
I got tired of listening to her, so I hung up the phone.