Mother’s Day Jokes
for moms with a sense of humor
9 Things a mother would never say:
- “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
- “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
- “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”
- “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
- “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
- “Well, if Derrick’s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
- “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
- “I don’t have a tissue with me… just use your sleeve.”
- “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”
“Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied.
After dinner the mother inquired, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
How do your kids know that you’re angry with them?
You use their full name.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.”
The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
Mom: I don’t know dear, you’d have to ask Grandma.
What kid says to mom: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, Can I have…. Where are you?
What kid says to dad: Where’s Mom?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Mother: I have the perfect son.
Friend: Does he smoke?
Mother: No, he doesn’t.
Friend: Does he drink whiskey?
Mother: No, he doesn’t.
Friend: Does he ever come home late?
Mother: No, he doesn’t.
Friend: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Mother: He will be three months old next week.
Sunday school teacher: Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.
A boy goes to a strip club.
Mom: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Boy: Yes, I saw dad!
What three words solves Dad’s every problem?
Ask your mother.
What’s the hardest thing your mother makes you swallow?
The fact they’re always right.
I shouted to my mom on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She said, “Ooh that sounds lovely!
I said, “Great, I’ll have bacon, fries and two eggs.”
I asked mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
She said, “ A bit of care and comfort”
So I put her in a nursing home.
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks: “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?”
Her mother replied: “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked: “Mommy, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A mother’s sacrifice isn’t giving birth. It’s nine months without wine.
Happy Mother’s Day to someone who spoils me and then complains about how spoiled I am.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:”
I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do?
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?”
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
A little girl asked her mom, “How did the human race appear?”
Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mom and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet.
Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.’”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning.
As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate.
She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
“As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”