Guide to singing the real blues

If you don’t get some of these, it’s probably because you’re not a “real” blues listener!

• Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”
• “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman — with the meanest dog in town.
• Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:
  Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
  He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
• The blues are not about limitless choice.
• Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
• Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
• You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
• The following colors do not belong in the blues:
  • violet
  • beige
  • mauve
• You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
• Good places for the Blues:
  • the highway
  • the jailhouse
  • the empty bed
• Bad places for the Blues:
  • Ashrams
  • Gallery openings
  • Weekend in the Hamptons
• No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
• You have the right to sing the blues if:
  • your first name is a southern state — like Georgia
  • you’re blind
  • you shot a man in Memphis
  • you can’t be satisfied.
• You do not have the right to sing the blues if:
  • you were once blind but now can see
  • you’re deaf
  • you have a trust fund
• If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:
  • wine
  • Irish whiskey
  • muddy water
• Blues beverages are NOT
  • Any mixed drink
  • Any wine kosher for Passover
  • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
• Some Blues names for Women
  • Sadie
  • Big Mama
  • Bessie
• Some Blues Names for Men
  • Joe
  • Willie
  • Willie Joe
• White persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
• Other Blues Names (Starter Kit):
  • Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
  • First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
  • Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)