Groucho Marx Quotes

50 best Groucho Marx quotes

How well do you know Groucho Marx? His real name was Julius Henry Marx. He adopted the stage name Groucho during a card game because always carried a grouch bag. Marx originally faked a heavy German accent, but dropped it during World War I. He planned to be a doctor but started working in show business at age 12 to support his family. His signature mustache and eyebrows was really grease painted on. Although known as a misogynist he married three times. He never stopped performing and worked well into his seventies and eighties.

Now on to some of Groucho Marx’s best quotes.

  • Women should be obscene and not heard.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
  • Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
  • We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
  • There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  • He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  • Now there’s a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here.
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
  • I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
  • Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
  • It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
  • There is only one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says “yes,” you know he is crooked.
  • The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing – if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
  • I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.
  • Go, and never darken my towels again.
  • She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  • Time wounds all heels.
  • Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
  • A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  • I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  • I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
  • Remember men, you are fighting for the lady’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
  • The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
  • This man has the mind of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
  • Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
  • Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
  • A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  • Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
  • She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
  • In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
  • I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
  • Room service? Send up a larger room.
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
  • There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit – retire!
  • Here’s to our wives and girlfriends – may they never meet!
  • You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.
  • Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.


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