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Because I Am a Man

couple arguing

I am proud to be a man

Here are my rights, as a man, to behave as I want to.

Maybe the women in my life may not agree with everything I say or do, but these issues are “guy things, ” and I do not expect women to understand the following basic truths of manhood.

Because I’m a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. The first TV remote control was called a wife, so be thankful it was invented.

Because I’m a man,
when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer to help solve the problem.

Because I’m a man,
when I get the flu I expect someone to bring me chicken soup and take care of me, while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase some basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything that can ever be associated with a “feminine hygiene product.”

Because I’m a man,
when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will cost us twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man,
I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – I mean, how could he know where we’re going?

Because I’m a man,
there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask. You already know the answer, so don’t even bother.

Because I’m a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is okay, I don’t care. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mommy, too!

Because I’m a man,
you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie “Ghost.” if you’re crying at the end of any chick flick, I’d rather be watching football.

Because I’m a man,
I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man,
This is the new century, and I will gladly share equally in the housework: you do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest, when I get the chance.

Any other updates of a real man’s personality would be welcome: but be real.