Females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup…
Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.
The woman says, “Oh, gee. That must have hurt.”
The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the” ceremony.”
Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there” and “I know I’m in
the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game’s just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Men need a good disagreement to get talking:
“Wow, great movie.”
“What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”
“Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys.”
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable:
“That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” – Pause
“Mm hmm.” – Pause
“That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” – “Yeah.”
Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boys’ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos,” or “Got any more beer?”
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey, Toots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?”