Tag: family
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Perfect Ham Sandwich
If you have children you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, toasted bread, crisp lettuce, garden tomatoes and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching…
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How To Stop Mirror Kisses
Betty was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her teen-age daughter about her newest gig of kissing the bathroom mirror just after applying her lipstick, but her persisted in doing it anyway. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Betty…
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First Baby
Your Clothes First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. Third baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Baby’s Name 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations…
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Worried Housewife
The worried housewife sprang to the cell phone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. “How are you, honey?” she said. “What kind of a day are you having?” “Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears. “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat…
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Is That You Grandma?
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The eyelids of the psychic begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice comes out saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?” The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,…
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Son-in-Law Kiss
How a son-in-law makes his mother-in-law unknowingly kiss his ass on every visit.