True Meanings of Personal Ads


“40-ish” = 48

“Adventurous” = Has had more partners than you ever will

“Affectionate” = Possessive

“Artist” = Unreliable

“Athletic” = Flat chested

“Average looking” = Ugly

“Beautiful” = Pathological liar

“Commitment-minded” = Pick out curtains, now!

“Communication important” = Just try to get a word in edge-wise

“Contagious Smile” = Bring your penicillin

“Educated” = College dropout

“Emotionally Secure” = Medicated

“Employed” = Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

“Enjoys art and opera” = Snob

“Enjoys Nature” = Bring your own granola

“Exotic Beauty” = Would frighten a Martian

“Feminist” = Fat; ball buster

“Financially Secure” = One paycheck from the street

“Free spirit” = Substance user

“Friendship first” = Trying to live down reputation as slut

“Fun” = Annoying

“Gentle” = Comatose

“Good Listener” = Borderline Autistic

“Humorous” = Caustic

“Intuitive” = Your opinion doesn’t count

“In Transition” = Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

“Light drinker” = Lush

“Looks younger” = If viewed from far away in bad light

“Loves Travel” = If you’re paying

“Loves Animals” = Cat lady

“Mature” = Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like
last boyfriend did.

“New-Age” = All body hair, all the time

“Non-traditional” = Ex-husband lives in the basement

“Old-fashioned” = Lights out, missionary position only

“Open-minded” = Desperate

“Outgoing” = Loud

“Passionate” = Loud

“Petite” = Wouldn’t stand out in a pack of Munchkins

“Poet” = Depressive Schizophrenic

“Professional” = Bitch

“Redhead” = Shops on the Clairol aisle

“Reliable” = Frumpy

“Reubenesque” = Grossly Fat

“Romantic” = Looks better by candle light

“Self-employed” = Jobless

“Smart” = Insipid

“Special” = Rode the short schoolbus

“Spiritual” = Involved with a cult

“Stable” = Boring

“Tall, thin” = Anorexic

“Tan” = Wrinkled

“Weight proportional to height” = Hugely Fat

“Wants Soulmate” = One step away from stalking

“Widow” = Nagged first husband to death

“Writer” = Pompous

“Young at heart” = Toothless crone



“40-ish” = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

“Affectionate” = Needy and looking for mother-figure

“Artist” = Delicate ego badly in need of massage

“Athletic” = Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

“Average looking” = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

“Distinguished-looking” = Fat, grey, and bald

“Educated” = Will always treat you like an idiot

“Employed” = On management track at Radio Shack

“Financially Secure” = I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.

“Free Spirit” = Sleeps with your sister

“Friendship first” = As long as friendship involves nudity

“Fun” = Good with a remote and a six pack

“Good looking” = Arrogant bastard

“Honest” = Pathological Liar

“ISO Slim, attractive female” = Would be better off with a Labrador retriever

“Light drinker” = Headed for AA

“Likes to cuddle” = Insecure, overly dependent

“Like romantic walks on the beach” = I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear

“Mature” = Until you get to know him

“Open-minded” = Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested

“Physically fit” = I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself

“Poet” = Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated

“Professional” = Owns a white button down

“Reliable” = Shows up on time-give or take 3 hours

“Self-employed” = Same as for women and eats nachos all weekend

“Sensitive” = Needy

“Smart” = Thinks Cheers is “the wittiest show ever on TV”

“Spiritual” = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter

“Stable” = Occasional stalker, but never arrested

“Thoughtful” = Says “Please” when demanding a beer

“Virile” = Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out