Funny Guide To Personal Ads

The Real Meanings of Personal Ads

sample personal ads for dating


  • 40-ish: 48
  • Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
  • Athletic: Flat-chested
  • Average looking: Ugly
  • Beautiful: Pathological liar
  • Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
  • Educated: College dropout
  • Emotionally Secure: Medicated
  • Feminist: Fat and a ball buster
  • Free spirit: Substance user
  • Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
  • Fun: Annoying
  • Gentle: Comatose
  • Good Listener: Borderline autistic
  • New-Age: All body hair, all the time
  • Old-fashioned: Lights out and missionary position only
  • Open-minded: Desperate
  • Outgoing: Loud
  • Passionate: Loud
  • Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
  • Professional: Real Witch
  • Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
  • Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
  • Romantic: Looks better by candle light
  • Voluptuous: Very Fat
  • Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat
  • Wants Soul-mate: One step away from stalking
  • Widow: Nagged first husband to death
  • Young at heart:  Toothless crone


  • 40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  • Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
  • Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
  • Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
  • Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
  • Friendship first: As long as friendship means naked
  • Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
  • Good looking: Arrogant
  • Honest: Pathological Liar
  • Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
  • Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
  • Mature: Until you get to know him
  • Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
  • Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
  • Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
  • Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
  • Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
  • Thoughtful: Says “Please” when demanding a beer

Now you know everything about reading personal ads the right way: good luck!