The Real Meanings of Personal Ads

PERSONAL ADS BY WOMEN

• 40-ish: 48
• Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
• Athletic: Flat-chested
• Average looking: Ugly
• Beautiful: Pathological liar
• Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
• Educated: College dropout
• Emotionally Secure: Medicated
• Feminist: Fat and a ball buster
• Free spirit: Substance user
• Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
• Fun: Annoying
• Gentle: Comatose
• Good Listener: Borderline autistic
• New-Age: All body hair, all the time
• Old-fashioned: Lights out and missionary position only
• Open-minded: Desperate
• Outgoing: Loud
• Passionate: Loud
• Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
• Professional: Real Witch
• Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
• Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
• Romantic: Looks better by candle light
• Voluptuous: Very Fat
• Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat
• Wants Soul-mate: One step away from stalking
• Widow: Nagged first husband to death
• Young at heart:  Toothless crone

PERSONAL ADS BY MEN

• 40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
• Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
• Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
• Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
• Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
• Friendship first: As long as friendship means naked
• Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
• Good looking: Arrogant
• Honest: Pathological Liar
• Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
• Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
• Mature: Until you get to know him
• Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
• Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
• Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
• Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
• Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
• Thoughtful: Says “Please” when demanding a beer

Now you know everything about reading personal ads the right way: good luck!