Follow this friendly advice to relieve stress and regain your sanity.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t dance nude on top of pianos doing gorilla impersonations.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad, and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’d put shoes on my cat.
Strangers are friends you haven’t bled for an easy twenty yet.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.
And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and so on.
Follow your dream!
Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses:
Sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me alone.
If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone.
Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle.
It make the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It’s always darkest before dawn.
So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip:
Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
- The bourbon group
- The salty-snack group
- The caffeine group
- The “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is” group
Try a little kindness:
As little as possible.
Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are down.
Ah, the thrill of modern dance!
The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief.
How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question.
I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.
You need to break some eggs to make a total mess on your neighbor’s car.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, remind yourself that all men are brothers:
So just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration,
That is when I find myself sharing elevators with a lot of smelly bright people.
Men are like small children:
You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
I love playing cards with children:
They can’t tell you’re dealing off the bottom of the deck.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket:
But that’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
They say you can’t really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
I say, if they’ve got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don’t wanna know ’em!
Memorize this friendly advice: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,
However, if you want to spend your leisure time with flies is your business.
A man’s best friend is his dog.
That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your iPad.
If they lined up all the men in the world,
It would be one goofy line.
If I won the lottery, I would not be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs.
I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.
Winning isn’t everything.
Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it, now that’s everything.
Men are like buses:
They have spare tires and smell odd.
Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV,
So I put the cat there.
I don’t know about art, but I do know what makes me say,
“$2,000 for that piece of junk? Are you nuts?”
Somewhere, over the rainbow,
Is where the airline will find my luggage.
It’s a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel,
Because it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land.
This land is my land.
So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster:
When it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t, then you can’t wait to throw up.
And a final bit of friendly advice:
I’ve found a sure way to relieve office stress
- Step 1: take a deep breath
- Step 2: count to 10.
- Step 3: set the boss’s wastebasket on fire.