Criminal Jokes By Dummies

criminal jokes

It’s only criminal if you get caught.

New York:
Two men decide to rob a bank using their trashed car for an escape vehicle. They had spray-painted: “FOR SALE 555-5555” (with their phone number) on the side of the car so they could sell their piece of crap.

Several employees of a large airplane company decide to rob a bank on their lunch hour (Figuring that the police would never look for them at the plant). Except they forgot to remove their ID badges while they were robbing the bank.

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. Their vehicle’s license plate still attached to their bumper next to the ATM.

South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested.

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled and left his wallet, with his ID, on the counter of the store.

A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does—backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check: he got 10 years.

(Location Unknown):
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun announcing a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head—and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eye-holes in the mask.

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole—are you ready for this?—the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that
(1) he could not get to the money from where he was
(2) he could not climb back out the window which he had entered
(3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
He located a phone and dialed “911” for help.

Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck got stuck in the mud, so these geniuses decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck—so they abandoned it at the site.

(Location Unknown):
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk provided very quickly. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled—leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15