Office Christmas Party

beautiful girl at office Christmas party

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange – no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis – Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis – Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people – nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus at the office Christmas party! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”
Patty Lewis – Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians – I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold the office Christmas party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our office Christmas party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

 

How handle a telemarketer and have fun

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…;
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…;
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…;
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Harris please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.;
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this telemarketer would have hung up the phone by now. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Harris?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Harris?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Harris.
Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this telemarketer was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Harris we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

(((pause)))

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making the payments.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Harris. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Harris?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Harris, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…hey AT&T: (click)

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

20 WaYs To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE

  1. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing their, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, “You’ve got to be faster than that.”
  2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  3. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
  5. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  6. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice)
  7. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same Outfits.
  8. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is Especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
  9. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing.
  10. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
  11. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  12. Insist that your e-mail address be xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
  13. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  14. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  15. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  16. Don’t use any punctuation.
  17. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  18. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  19. Sing along at the opera.
  20. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.