Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

Parody of CEO’s taking over a Mexican town through fiscal irresponsibility.

CEO-nista planning escape

Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

Calling themselves the CEO-nistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town’s 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEO-nistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado’s population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its’ under-performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

“First of all, they’re very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting,” said posse spokesman Sam Williams. “And every time we yell ‘Stop in the name of the shareholders!’ they refer us to investor relations. I’ve been on the phone all damn morning.”

“YOU’LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!”

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor,” said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. “It was like moths to a flame.”

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEO-nistas. “Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,” said Lewis, “but occasionally we’ll pick up someone saying, ‘I was totally out of the loop on that.'”

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. “She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms,” said Border Patrol officer Dave Miller.

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEO-nistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. “No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,” she said. “They’re rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event.”

Funny Job Security Quiz

Five simple questions to find out if you job security.

The job security quiz will help judge how long you’ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk you…

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.

There’s a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing stock.”

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch ‘Friends’ reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it. .. then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it. .. then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…

A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.


Scoring this test

Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.

Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.

Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

Comments You Will Never Hear In The Theater

What you will never hear a stage manager, producer, director, actor, designer, technical director, choreographer, or the stage crew say while at work in the theater.

On stage in the theater

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:

  • It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
  • Take your time getting back from break.
  • We’ve been ready for hours.
  • No, I called that perfectly the first time, let’s move on.
  • The headsets are working perfectly.
  • The cue lights are working perfectly.
  • The orchestra has no complaints.
  • The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..
  • That didn’t take long.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:

  • Of course there’s enough money to go around.
  • We have money left over.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.
during rehearsal argument

BY THE DIRECTOR:

  • Wow, the designers were right, weren’t they?
  • No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
  • I think the scene changes are too fast.
  • Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
  • The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
  • That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
  • Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
  • This chair’s fine, thank you.
  • No we don’t need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
  • Thank You.
  • We’ll use it as it is.
  • My round, are all the crew here?
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:

  • Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
  • Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
  • You know, you might have a point there.
  • The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wanted.
  • We may have too many gel colors in stock, I can’t choose.
  • The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

  • This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.
  • We built it right the first time.
  • No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
  • I love designers.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ACTOR:

  • Don’t…. Let’s not talk about me.
  • I really think my big scene should be cut.
  • This costume is so comfortable.
  • I love my shoes.
  • No problem, I can do that myself.
  • I have a fantastic agent.
  • Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
  • No, leave that spot where it is – I’ll walk into it.
  • I’m sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
  • Without the crew the show would never run – let’s thank them.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:

  • There’s room for that over here.
  • We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
  • No, no, I’m sure that is our job.
  • Anything I can do to help?
  • All the tools are carefully locked away.
  • Can we do that scene change again, please?
  • It’s a marvelous show.
  • I don’t need this many on the crew.
  • I’m getting loads of sleep – everything’s going really well.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

  • I must fix the light in the publicity office.
  • This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
  • Of course I can operate sound from here.
  • Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
  • All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
  • I’ll do that right away.
  • All the equipment is working perfectly.
  • No, please – take the last doughnut.
  • That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
  • Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn’t it.
  • I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
  • No, honestly, it’s my round.
  • Thanks, but I don’t drink.

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

  • This floor’s fine.
  • Plenty warm enough, thank you.
  • Thank you.
  • The lights are spot on.
  • Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
  • One dressing room’s fine.
  • The costumes are perfect.
  • The boom positions are fine.
  • The wing space is ample, really.

BY THE ORCHESTRA

  • Oh the pit’s fine; we don’t need all that space: you could have built a smaller pit.
  • No it’s alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don’t want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
  • Could you turn these music stand lights down? They’re a bit too bright.
  • Of course we can play quieter.
  • The foldback is fine.

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

  • Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.