Irishman celebrates impending doom in a pub?

beers in a barAn Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve got some bad news for you … you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live. I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS.”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, Son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Magical Elevator

magical elevator doorsA boy and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time in their lives.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked,” What is this, dad?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an older lady in a wheelchair rolled up to one of the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the numbers above the walls increasingly go up and up.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light up in decreasing order.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

“Go get your Mother.”

Finding The Ideal Wife

When I was a young teenager, 13-14, I started to notice girls and decided I wanted one of my own.

Not having much success until I turned about 16, when I finally found a girl, but unfortunately, there was no passion.

So, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life and the unknown.

ideal wifeIn college I dated a woman but she was way too emotional.

Everything was so dramatized.

She cried so much and her laughs seemed forced. I decided I needed a wife with stability.

When I was about 25 I found a very stable woman, but she was so very dull, almost like a mannequin.

So totally predictable and never excited about anything.

I decided I needed a wife who was looking to be excited by the unknown.

When I was about 28 I found such a woman, but I couldn’t keep up with her.

She was so much in a hurry, never happy with any situation.

I was again very miserable.

I thought — maybe I needed one with some real ambition.

When I turned 30 I met an ambitious woman with her feet firmly planted on the ground and I made her my wife.

She was so ambitious she divorced me and took all my toys.

I am now in my 50’s and just looking for a wife with big boobs!