Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the heck she is.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
–A. Whitney Brown
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’