Funny Definitions

funny definitions

Alternative Funny Definitions of Words

These funny definitions are better than the ones found in your standard dictionary.

Use them also to amuse your friends and family with your quick wit and original thinking.

Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor, to want more children.

One who asks if the kids would care for desert.

The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster.

The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

What you call your child when you’re angry with him.

The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

What toddlers do when anyone mutters a bad word.

A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

When your life was still somewhat your own.

A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

A child who is more talented than yours.

What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

When the baby smiles and her face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Able to whine in words.

None of the kids that live in your house.

150 Shuffled Thoughts

Do These Thoughts Make Sense?

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don’t want to get any on you.

Each individual will be called to account in the hereafter for every pleasure he declined without sufficient cause.

Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough ?

To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A clever man commits no minor blunders.

At times I am amazed at how proportionally strong ants are, but then I remember I can still step on them.

My husband could have had any women he pleased–he just couldn’t please any!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Good habits are just as hard to break as bad ones.

Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality …but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. (chess)

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

While we are postponing, life speeds by.

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Never mistake motion for action.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

True friendship comes when silence between two friends is comfortable.

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

rape should not happen, woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.

Well done is better than well said.

The average person thinks he isn’t.

One day I discovered that my landlord had placed a hidden camera in my bathroom ceiling. What a fool! That’s not where I keep my money!!

CONFUCIUS SAY; “Virginity like bubble. One prick-all gone!”

People who say that violence doesn’t solve anything have obviously never witnessed a “Most Violent Guy in the Bar” contest.

If God wants to be really funny, He won’t end the world on January 1st, 2000. Instead, He’ll wait a few days until everybody thinks things are all okay, and then WHAM!! — apocalypse on January 8th!

In my opinion, a person’s never fully dressed without clothes.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work

Used-car dealer to prospective customer: “Now, this little beauty has very low mileage. The previous owner only drove it back and forth to the repair shop!”

Getting fired is nature’s way of telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it’s too little to go by itself.

Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high…

Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.

You are without romance or mirth… You must be an engineer.

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a huge friggin’ bag of money.

In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.

If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother!

I used to be stupid but I’ve turned that situation around 360 degrees.

Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If I gave a shit, you’d be the first person I’d give it to!

SSDM: Same Shit; Different Millennium!

Welcome to shit creek – sorry, we’re out of paddles!

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says “Draw Bridge Ahead” and I don’t have a pencil.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

I think the best way to insult an illiterate bully is to write him a nasty letter.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.

This isn’t right, this isn’t even wrong.

It takes a real man to admit he’s wrong. But it takes a *trulyspecial guy to admit he just soiled his undies.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Unfortunately, my right to carry a gun doesn’t include the right to shoot the ignorant.

If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

Why do drunk men miss the toilet? Who do sober men?

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forget their use.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

My ignorance is encyclopedic

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog!

I must be a proctologist because I work with assholes!

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Secret of a long and happy life : Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Sometimes when I’m home alone, thinking of that special person who is sitting at home at the same time, just waiting to meet me, I think to myself, “What a loser this chick must be to sit at home by herself and think of some guy she’s never met”.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Egoist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

They say it’s never too late to learn to play the piano, but at 2 am, I really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

The mistakes are all waiting to be made.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people’s minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We are not retreating – we are advancing in another direction.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who’s totally free for the weekend!

Intelligence has much less practical application than you’d think.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

If your mind isn’t open, keep your mouth shut too.

You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma.