Could attending church be described by a football announcer?.
Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.
Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
Sudden Death – What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime”.
Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense – The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
The censors could not stop these comments before they went live on national sports telecasts with surprising results.
- Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
- Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
- Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
- Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
- Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
- Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
- At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
- Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
- Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”
Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”