How Going To Church Is Like A Football Game

Could attending church be described by a football announcer?.

 football game

Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.

Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

Sudden Death – What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime”.

Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense – The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

You won’t believe what sports commentators said on live tv

olympic gymnastThe censors could not stop these comments before they went live on national sports telecasts with surprising results.

  1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
  2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
  3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
  4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
  5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
  6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
  7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
  8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
  9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Top 10 funny golf caddy one-liners

golf one-liners
photo credit: Pixabay

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”