Signs of Old Age

Sign of growing old taken with a grain of salt.

elderly hand with caneOld is when….
Your sweetie says lets go upstairs and make love and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both.”

Old is when….
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you are barefoot.

Old is when….
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pace maker opens the garage door.

Old is when….
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Old is when….
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

Old is when….
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

Old is when….
Getting a little action means I don’t have to take any fiber today.

Old is when….
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Old is when….
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.

New Blue Suit For The Dearly Departed

funeral procession

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

“There’s no charge,” he says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.”

“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

“So I just switched the heads.”

What nursing homes will not permit elderly patients do

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright.

This went on all morning.

Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

They asked her, “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?”

She said, “It’s pretty nice here. Except they won’t let you fart.”