A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing game.”
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to asked each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She said, “Do you know what it is?
He replied, “No.”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”
The new kid in the class did as she asked.
The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what is?”
He still said “No.”
The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mom every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams, “Spit it out – it’s a piece of ass!”
- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
- When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
- Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
- First draw your curves, then plot your data.
- Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
- Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
- To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
- If you can’t get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
- In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Do not believe in miracles: rely on them.
- Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
- All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
- No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
- Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
Disregard these 14 principles of chemistry laboratory work at your own risk.
When asked to list four advantages of breast milk, the student began to compose whatever came into his head and hoped for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good – maybe – but there had to be a fourth advantage of breast milk.
So, what is it? He sighed. He frowned. He scowled.
Suddenly, an answer came to him. Clutching his pen, he triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying shapes and sizes.
He received an A.