Gangsta Aptitude Test

test

Quiz You Will Never See In School

Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

Reggie has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it?

Eric is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Eric can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?

Robert want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

Tom gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

Sam is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the one that spent his money?

If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

Kevin knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Kevin knocked up?

Jennifer can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

Carl was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

Top 20 Thinnest Books

notebook

  1. How To Please Women
    John Bobbitt
  2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers
    O. J. Simpson
  3. Things I Cannot Afford
    Bill Gates
  4. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before
    Ellen DeGeneres
  5. Things I Wouldn’t Do For The Money
    Dennis Rodman
  6. The Wild Years
    Al Gore
  7. Living On A Shoestring Budget
    Oprah Winfrey
  8. Guide To The Pacific Ocean
    Amelia Earhart
  9. My Beauty Secrets
    Janet Reno
  10. My Collection Of Motivational Speeches
    Dr. Jack Kevorkian
  11. Why I Like Different Cultures
    Adolph Hitler
  12. French War Heroes
    Jacques Chirac
  13. Big Book Of Baby Names
    George Foreman
  14. Man’s Guide To Dating Etiquette
    Mike Tyson
  15. The Book Of Virtues
    Bill Clinton
  16. Things I Love About Bill
    Hillary Clinton
  17. Staying Happily Married
    Elizabeth Taylor
  18. Your One-Step Guide To Job Advancement
    Monica Lewinsky
  19. Ministers Do More Than Lay People
    Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker And Jimmy Swaggert
  20. 101 Delicious Spotted Owl Recipes
    The Sierra Club

Top 10 Thinnest Book Runners-Up

  1. Gun Safety
    Dick Cheney
  2. All My Talent
    Paris Hilton
  3. How To Find Osama Bin Laden
    George Bush
  4. Life As An Air Traffic Controller
    Ray Charles
  5. My Life As A Woman
    Martina Navratilova
  6. On Human Rights
    Fidel Castro
  7. My Accomplishments In Congress
    Barack Obama
  8. My Happy Home Life And Marriage
    Woody Allen
  9. Corporate Responsibility
    Kenneth Lay
  10. Things I Did To Deserve The Nobel Peace Prize
    Barack Obama

Thinnest Reference Books

  • Everything Men Know About Women
  • Everything Women Know About Men
  • The Engineers Guide To Fashion
  • The Amish Phone Directory
  • Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
  • America’s Most Popular Lawyers
  • Different Ways To Spell Bob
  • Human Rights Advances In China
  • African Americans I Have Met While Yachting
  • The Big Muslim Book Of Bacon Recipes
  • Hindu Beef Recipes
  • The Fat, Lard And Oil Diet
  • A Guide To Arab Democracies
  • Quantum Physics For Absolute Morons
  • The Comic Genius Of Al Gore
  • The Chinese Book Of Human Rights
  • Household Uses For Plutonium 235
  • Defending France – Strategies Of Defense In War
  • A Rapper’s Guide To Grooming And Style
  • America’s Most Popular Lawyers
  • The Gentle, Caring Side Of Josef Stalin
  • Fulfilled Campaign Promises (479 bc to 2015 ad)
  • Detroit: A Travel Guide
  • Ghengis Khan And The Mongols: A Feminist Perspective
  • Famous Jazz Bagpipers
  • Banjo Sonatas
  • The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • Sylvester Stallone’s Dramatic Acting Tips
  • Italian Naval Victories
  • Deep Thinking Liberals
  • Heterosexual Hangouts In Key West
  • Biographies Of Happy Women
  • Blind Dates That Worked Out
  • A Thousand Years Millennium Of German Humor
  • The United Nations Manual Of Positive Decision Making
  • Arctic Gardening
  • Polish War Heroes
  • How To Get A Tan With A Blowtorch
  • The Book Of Motivated Postal Workers
  • A Guide To Australian Etiquette
  • The World Guide To Good American Beer
  • Royal Family’s Guide To Happy Marriages
  • Great Women Drivers Of Today
  • A Female’s Guide To Logical Thinking
  • Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
  • Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
  • Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
  • Feminists Worth Marrying
  • Fun With Unix
  • Great English Cooking
  • Marcel Marceau’s Greatest Speeches
  • Mother Teresa’s Guide To Erotic Pottery
  • Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians
  • Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
  • Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation
  • Great Russian Philanthropists
  • A Compendium Of Italian Nobel Prize Winners
  • Americans Who Understand The Difference Between Punctuation And Grammar
  • Dutch Generosity Through The Centuries
  • Eskimo Swimsuit Models
  • Fifty Days To A Better Hypothalamus
  • Fun Party Games Involving Porcupines
  • Great American Cars Of The 1980’s
  • Hilarious Female Comics
  • Madonna On Formal Wear
  • Mafia Music: The Symphonies Of Don Vito Corleone
  • Modesty, The American Way
  • Mormon Divorce Lawyers
  • Norwegians Without Herring Breath
  • Operating Instructions For Scotch Tape
  • Pi, Rounded For Everyday Use
  • Pittsburgh When It’s Not Raining: A Photographic Collection
  • Straight Hairdressers
  • The Complete Collection Of Harlem Poetry
  • NRA On The Merits Of Gun Control
  • The Plan For Prohibition In Australia
  • The Pleasant Street Smells Of New York City

Ant And Grasshopper

Original Version

The ant works hard in the scorching heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern American Version

sweating antThe ant works hard in the scorching heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

The major media broadcasters show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

Americans are stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) tweets charging the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s not easy being green.”

Obama makes a special guest appearance on the evening news channels saying he will do everything he can for the grasshopper, who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Bush summers.

Harry Reid makes posts across all the social channels that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.”

Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and anti-Bernanke Act,” retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Obama appointed from a list of single-parent welfare mothers, who can only hear cases on Thursday’s between 1:30 and 3 PM.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And in the media, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Obama standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.