Actual newspaper headlines

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a filching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained.

“As usual, Kiki shouted out “Armageddon”, my cue that he’d had enough.

I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.

“The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to  the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


  1. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum…”
  2. “So I peered into the tube…” (I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)
  3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy’s ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
  4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s anus. I’m just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki’s “tunnel of love.”
  5. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
  6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying “Well Doc., it’s like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube…”
  7. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of G-d’s green earth.
  8. People named “Kiki” which is obviously a Polynesian word for: “Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.”
  9. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
  10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

If you love something, set it free.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Win with women test: How do you score?

In the world of romance, one single rule applies
Make the woman happy

Do something she likes and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects
… Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
But return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something. +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It’s her father -10

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Lisa -4
Lisa is a dancer -6
Lisa is an old girlfriend -8

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. -10

A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It’s called “Death Cop 3” -3
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -5

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say “I don’t care, because you have one also.” -800

The Big Question:
She asks, “Do I look fat?” -5
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, Where? -35

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep -20