25 one-line jokes by comedians

comedian

  1. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
    George Carlin
  2. Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
    Roseanne
  3. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
    Billy Crystal
  4. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”
    Larry Miller
  5. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
    Dave Barry
  6. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
    Jay Leno
  7. I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
    Bill Cosby
  8. In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?
    Jay Leno
  9. My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
    Tim Allen
  10. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
    Phyllis Diller
  11. There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
    Jay Leno
  12. When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
    Elayne Boosler
  13. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
    Jerry Seinfield
  14. Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
    Tim Allen
  15. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
    Joan Rivers
  16. A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers!
    Jay Leno
  17. Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
    Tim Allen
  18. Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code…..he turned himself in.
    Rita Rudner
  19. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
    George Carlin
  20. That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
    Bill Cosby
  21. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor
  22. When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
    Steven Wright
  23. After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”
    Gary Shandling
  24. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
    Lewis Grizzard
  25. The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
    Jeff Foxworthy

Woody Allen Quotes

Woody Allen
photo credit
Luiz Fernando Reis
  • Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
  • Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  • Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
  • Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
  • He was so depressed he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
  • I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately it’s the government.
  • I don’t believe in the after life although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  • I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
  • I don’t respond well to mellow you know what I mean – if I get too mellow I ripen and then rot.
  • I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
  • I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
  • I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
  • I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
  • I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
  • I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
  • I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
  • I was raised in the Jewish tradition taught never to marry a Gentile woman shave on a Saturday night and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
  • I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
  • I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
  • If my films don’t show a profit, then I know I’m something right.
  • If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  • If you’re not failing every now and again it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
  • I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
  • I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  • I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather on his deathbed he sold me his watch.
  • In California they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
  • In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
  • Interestingly according to modern astronomers space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
  • Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
  • It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
  • It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
  • I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
  • Life doesn’t imitate art it imitates bad television.
  • Love is the answer but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
  • Man consists of two parts his mind and his body only the body has more fun.
  • Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons.
  • Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
  • My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night or instance I was mugged by a Quaker.
  • My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
  • Nietzsche says that we will live the same life over and over again. God – I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
  • Not only is there no God but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
  • Of all the wonders of nature a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats.
  • Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
  • Remember if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
  • Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
  • Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.
  • Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
  • Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes sometimes you take the meal seriously.
  • Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
  • Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.
  • She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
  • Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
  • Some guy hit my fender and I told him “Be fruitful and multiply,” but not in those words.
  • Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
  • The baby is fine the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
  • The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland not unlike certain parts of New Jersey.
  • The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  • There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
  • Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
  • Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  • To you I’m an atheist; to God I’m the Loyal Opposition.
  • What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
  • When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
  • When we played softball I’d steal second base feel guilty and go back.
  • Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
  • Why are our days numbered and not say lettered?
  • Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Funny Kid’s Quotes

kid's quote about tooth fairy

Stories with funny kids quotes

POLICE OFFICER IN SCHOOL

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?”

“Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”

“Yes, that’s right,” I told her.

“Well then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

POLICE DOG

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.

“It sure is,” I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, “What did the dog do?”

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to house-bound elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was always intrigued by the various gizmos older people always relied on, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered to me, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

PARENTS DRESS-UP FOR A PARTY

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not?”

“You know that it always gives you a headache next morning.”

FUNERAL FOR A ROBIN

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather… and unto the Sonnn… and into the hole he gooooes.”

FIRST WEEK IN SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

“I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother.

“I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

THE BIBLE AND THE LEAF

A little boy opened the big family bible.

He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it.

What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

Contribute your kid’s quote.